Letting go........

Why is it so hard........when I try to let go it feels like my heart stops beating. Almost like this overwhelming fear takes over and I just give up. I feel short of breath, and my eyes fill up with more pain than sorrow. I just want to run and run and run and never look back.

When I speak of letting go. I am talking about the past and what hurts the most, not the loss of a loved one or losing a good friend. My heart still struggles with a very old wound that I have carried around for too long. I thought that I had dealt with it quite some time ago, however I think that I was still hoping for a miracle to come. Acceptance is all that I want, from the one person that I cant get it from. Today my therapist told me what if you can't and never get it...I have heard this from everyone. You know those that love me the most have been telling me this for quite sometime...my wife has said it the most(I love you Brenda).

How do you forgive yourself. How do you ask for help to let it go...and move on and not let it ruin your life. How do you ask God to take this pain from my spirit. I am scared. I don't know how to do it, or maybe I just don't want to do it and just keep hoping for a miracle.

This weekend I saw my granny, it must have been about 7 years since we last saw each other. If anyone has ever accepted me it was her, she never looked at my faults she just loved me. Good Lord I am going to miss her when she is gone.

I just want to move on and be the man that God wants me to be, to love and accept like my granny, be passionate like my wife, and laugh like my kids.

Chad

I am a good dad, man, and loving husband

Granny What

If there is one relative in my life that means the most to me it would be my Granny What. This is my mothers mom....my granny. Someone whom I love very much. It was about a week ago that I got a call from my family that she had fell at her apartment, the sad part about it is that she was there several hours before anyone found her. Since then its been an up and down roller coaster ride, one day she is fine the next day it seems the worse is going to happen. I am sure that it doesnt help when the info is coming from my mom...Bless her heart, but my mom has a way of looking at all situations as "this is bad".

My granny is 92 years old and has been trucking along on her own with 4 kids for well over 60 plus years. My grandfather whom I have never met, well I did however I was only several months old. He past on when I was about 18 months. My granny never talks about him, and from the stuff people tell me its probably for the best that I dont know.

There is a moral here somewhere for me....it simple states that maybe I didnt have any really good father(male) figures in my life at least I had some awesome women to encourage me.....my granmothers, my mom, and my wife(i would not be blogging if it wasnt for Brenda)....

Anyways back to my granny.....she is the true meaning of Love and Patience. She raised 4 kids, worked several jobs to support her kids with no other financial help, took care of the house, and get this almost never..and I mean never lost het patience. I have never seen her angry, even after spending almost two whole weeks with my 3 highly active children...maybe when I get frustrated I should and think what would granny do.

For as long as I can remember she has been doing journals..writing down her thoughts for the day...everyday, and I mean everyday. Wow....I mean I have a hard time even praying to God for 30 seconds and I am sure that she spends a minimum of one hour everyday writing. I guess it has been close to 30 years that she has been doing it....I can only imagine how many books of thoughts she has filled up.

I want to continue, however I am getting a little upset I just wanted to share a little about my family...

Thanks for reading....actually it feels good just to write and get it out of my head...

Chad
"I am a Good Dad, Husband, and Man"

There is nothing better than getting off work early on a Friday!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks be to GOD!!!!!!!

I am a Strong, Intimate, Peaceful man with Honor who is a loving father because his Lord God has always loved him..............To the core this is who I am and who I strive to be. Why I have strayed I do not yet know, yet I will get back to my one true passion and that is what God has blessed me with. I am his humble servant and I shall honor him by doing what he has blessed me with.

I do love my God
I do love my Father
I do love my wife
I do love my children
and I do love myself

I am Chad Walter Hughes a man of God

Thats life..............

....and so our basic approach to life comes down to this: we stay in what we can handle, and steer clear of everything else. We engage where we feel we can or we must - as at work - and hold back where we feel sure to fail, as in the deep waters of relating to our wife and children, and in our spirituality.....


This was the last paragraph I read from a book I bought about a month ago. Since then I have not read any further. And yet here I sit writing my first thoughts.....and I want to go blank...i just want to shut down and not think about everything that hurts. I know I love my family, however if I was given the perfect chance to leave, what would I do. Why is it that when I want to get to the heart of what really matters...I just want to run or shut down. Being in love....sucks. I told Brenda tonight that for me it just feels like I missed out on something when I was growing up. I mean one moment I am a kid having fun without a care in the world and the next someone is saying to me your son has Autism........what the freak. What did I miss. What do I do. Where do I go. Who I am....

I will say this "I am not a good DAD"....seeing those words really hurts. I want to be better, but I never try. I want to show love, but I never open up. I want to be patient, but I blow up. I want to be intimate, but I always want what I want. This is my life in a nut shell. Spiting image.....just like my Dad and I am sure just like his Dad before him. I feel as if I speak out of turn or line that I am being disrepectiful to my fathers before me....now that sounds really stupid. Hell...I just dont have the balls to stand up for myself.

Do I leave and just call it quits. Throw in the towel and give up 13 years a wife, 3 kids, and alot of memories. Maybe seeking therapy is a way to just keep it going a little longer, only 2 people know this answer me and God. And I am sure he knows what it is, he is just waiting for me.......


I just want someone to look up to, someone to be proud of, a good friend and mentor. Someone who knows everything about me, my good and of course the bad. Someone who will not judge me or belittle me. Someone who will love me with all there heart and then some. Someone to just be there...........and yet I know he has always been there for me.......waiting and praying.


maybe.....this is where to start..........