....and so our basic approach to life comes down to this: we stay in what we can handle, and steer clear of everything else. We engage where we feel we can or we must - as at work - and hold back where we feel sure to fail, as in the deep waters of relating to our wife and children, and in our spirituality.....
This was the last paragraph I read from a book I bought about a month ago. Since then I have not read any further. And yet here I sit writing my first thoughts.....and I want to go blank...i just want to shut down and not think about everything that hurts. I know I love my family, however if I was given the perfect chance to leave, what would I do. Why is it that when I want to get to the heart of what really matters...I just want to run or shut down. Being in love....sucks. I told Brenda tonight that for me it just feels like I missed out on something when I was growing up. I mean one moment I am a kid having fun without a care in the world and the next someone is saying to me your son has Autism........what the freak. What did I miss. What do I do. Where do I go. Who I am....
I will say this "I am not a good DAD"....seeing those words really hurts. I want to be better, but I never try. I want to show love, but I never open up. I want to be patient, but I blow up. I want to be intimate, but I always want what I want. This is my life in a nut shell. Spiting image.....just like my Dad and I am sure just like his Dad before him. I feel as if I speak out of turn or line that I am being disrepectiful to my fathers before me....now that sounds really stupid. Hell...I just dont have the balls to stand up for myself.
Do I leave and just call it quits. Throw in the towel and give up 13 years a wife, 3 kids, and alot of memories. Maybe seeking therapy is a way to just keep it going a little longer, only 2 people know this answer me and God. And I am sure he knows what it is, he is just waiting for me.......
I just want someone to look up to, someone to be proud of, a good friend and mentor. Someone who knows everything about me, my good and of course the bad. Someone who will not judge me or belittle me. Someone who will love me with all there heart and then some. Someone to just be there...........and yet I know he has always been there for me.......waiting and praying.
maybe.....this is where to start..........
